Chapter 11
“Stop over-thinking it.”
But I can’t.
It’s been a week since I last saw him. And in that week, I’ve driven myself up (down, and all around) several walls, trying to figure out what next steps, if any, there should be. What does one do with a nascent relationship, other than try to avoid calling it a relationship for fear of putting too much pressure on the other person involved?
I’m a relationship virgin, I admit it. But I’m also intensely focused on being able to have mile-stones or some sort of markers by which I can measure my progress (blame it on the influence of the corporate world), so I find myself wondering what the demarcation is between “seeing someone”, “going out”, “dating” and “being in a relationship”. Ironically, that sort of pat categorisation would normally hack me off like you wouldn’t believe, but now that I’m gingerly treading the bounds of non-Platonic interaction, I find myself fixated on figuring out where I stand. And where he stands. And where we can both stand without stepping on each other’s toes.
It doesn’t help that he’s not much of a talker. A wise man said to me, upon meeting him, that I was (a) lucky to be around someone who’s a listener instead of a talker [true--Karachi is chock-full of whingers who consider themselves the ultimate topic of conversation, he says writing a blog all about himself], and (b) that there’s much more to him than meets the eye; that he listens and observes. But all my friends and family are…I was going to say garrulous or verbose, but loquacious is probably a better word, and when I’m confronted with someone who isn’t really big on joining into a conversation of any sort, it worries me a little. Because I don’t know what he’s thinking or feeling, and then I overcompensate by trying to initiate as many rounds of conversation/communication as possible without actually veering into the realm of being a stalker.
Then I freak out because I’m afraid that my behaviour’s just adding way too much stress to the whole situation.
And it’s complicated because we live in different cities, we’re at very different stages in our lives; there’s a disparity in terms of income, family dynamics, social structures (not in an elitist way, just in a simple “we’re different” way); and I know that no one will ever find a perfect match in every possible way, but there are so many inherent complications that I sometimes lie in bed at night wondering (and tossing, turning, tangling myself up in the sheets) whether it’s actually worth all the effort. I know that if nothing else, I should see it through just for the experience of letting someone into my life–and conversely, being a part of someone else’s–but sometimes it’s difficult, especially when you’re as pragmatic as I am, to justify the investment(s); literal and metaphorical. So I want to make sure I’m doing everything right, if only for the sake of looking back at this in a year or two from now (assuming it doesn’t go well, but hoping otherwise) and feeling somewhat reassured as I plow through a carton of butter pecan ice-cream that I didn’t fall down on the job somewhere. That I did whatever I possibly could have done to make it all work.
It’s a first for both of us. But I’m ready for it to be my last–and terrible though it may sound, that’s not all due to him specifically, but to the fact that I’ve been single and lonely long enough–so when I contemplate the notion that this could be experimental, it makes me tense. Finding someone to be with in Pakistan, no matter how you describe that state of being, is an odyssey both temporal and emotional; the market (such as it is) tends to be both highly limited and remarkably stagnant, so it’s not as though jumping right back into the pool is a real option.
I don’t want to spend another decade waiting for someone to make me feel happy.
I’m not sure why you would assume it won’t last, or contemplate that it could be experimental. The doubts will be there; you hardly need to give them stage time in your head. I have to say, I have never entered any kind of friendship without assuming it will last forever. That’s how I’m wired. That doesn’t mean it did last forever, nor does it mean I’m clueless that life changes and what you thought was going to last forever didn’t. But I guess I have relationship optimism, and that my friends will always be my friend. It’s gotten me hurt sometimes, but life is pain, Highness. And I guess I’d rather have the pain I didn’t see coming in a single wallop than to torture myself constantly with anticipatory pain, grief, and regret.
Given my loquaciousness suggests I must be somehow related to you, I’ll endeavour to deny my father [actually it's more my mother's side] and renounce my next of kin umpteen removed (this Shakesquote for every occasion thing really isn’t working, is it?) by keeping it brief. So…
One can but try.
Oh, and use the force, lucky boy.
Maybe you need to consider a move out of Pakistan, Hon…. ((HUGS))
I think to enter into things feeling as a relationship virgin whether or not one might be is a good thing. Most of us take so much baggage into such arrangements with all the incumbent ‘what if s/he is like the last one?
I find going out with a silent one an emotional maelstrom because I’m used to filling the gaps in conversation so as there not be any ambiguity on account of what hasn’t been covered. This is not necessarily a good thing and frequently leads to the rather unalluring perceived self-obsession.
No relationship is destined to last, because no relationship is destined to do or be anything. It is a question of people, coupled with times and so many external forces and no-one can hope to predict all that shite. You just have to put in as much as you can give the 100% of yourself, that way you will not have to live with the what if’s. You cannot control anyone else, nor should you but you can give of yourself completely in order that he should know you and best make an informed decision. That level of vulnerability is pretty harsh because there will always be a time when you have laid yourself bare and are waiting for the response that everything is ok and that wait be it seconds, hours, days, weeks is excruciating but you have come to a stage in your life when what’s the alternative, to be someone else isn’t going to cut it anymore.
oh and 20lbs overweight, so far to go young man, I can give you some pointers should you ever wish to make the Earth move without requiring someone else in bed with you to do so!
Spiffy new look and stuff btw, should I ever have the money and loss of principles in order to own a domicile I will be calling on you in a consultancy capacity for interior decor.
My circumstances have made me something of an old hand at impermanence and I can tell you for sure that it doesn’t matter. Relationships flourish and die at their own pace, almost independently of you. All you need to do, as Red Baron says above, is be there, participate, give it an honest shot. The rest will sort itself out.
also…given the ooky nature of labels, you could always just call it George.
I’m going to be negative and say that in my experience while opposites do attract they tend not to last. You’ll be wanting one who is as skilled at communication as yourself; constantly having to guess because he isn’t a talker will drive. You. Nuts.